Staying In The Boat, Not An Option
A Lyrical Essay by Caitlin White
For writers, fear is a knife and shame is the blade. When we cut ourselves, blue loneliness hits the air, and sometimes the wound gets infected with rage, or guilt, or self-loathing. Rebuilding trust after that kind of incident is easier said than done, and even fewer venues or experiences lend themselves to the kind of self-examination that is necessary for artistic healing.
Trust & Travel isn’t just a great retreat because it takes place in beautiful locations, features workshops from smart, ambitious and kind women, or provides the framework to deepen a writing practice. No, Trust & Travel is a dizzying, dazzling encounter because it opens, cleans, and excavates wounds — and sews them up tighter, so they can heal. Over the course of the trip, I witnessed this happening in the women around me, and I felt it occuring in myself.
For anyone who is grappling with the slippery terror of facing — and, as the case may be, forgiving — your artistic self, Trust & Travel is the place to do battle. There is power in numbers, and all dread rot must shrivel in the sunlight. They say that necessity is the mother of invention, but vulnerability is the mother of reinvention, and this retreat offers a safe place to approach yourself, dark parts included.
I’m not sure what sweet, wild magic was unleashed, but I’m so proud to be a founding member, and even more pleased that Trust & Travel will be continuing on in new iterations this year. Here are some more specific anecdotes from my time at the retreat.
1.The Untethered Soul
My roommate gave me a copy of this wise little book by Michael A. Singer mid-retreat, and I’m barely exaggerating when I say it changed my life. Confronting the monkey mind head-on — or vritti, as the yogis call it — Singer directs the reader to notice the space between, behind, and beyond the mind’s banal traffic. This quiet seat of listening and reflection, the consciousness, is within all of us, and easy to find if we seek it out. One crucial way of getting in touch with the deepest parts of ourselves is by using other’s mapped explorations as a guide. Return to an important text, and watch the quiet part of your mind begin to bloom.
2. Seated Half Moon
Coming into your body means finding a comfortable seat, a stillness within yourself, even as you begin to move. A long side body stretch is a way to find compression instead of pressure, the use of strength instead of the abuse of it. How often, in your day to day life, do you feel each side of your body? Really feel it? Take the simple practice of half moon as a chance to celebrate the vessel you’re in as you traveling through this life. Your body is your home, not your enemy.
3. Morning Pages
A practice known as The Artist’s Way (by Julia Cameron) gently suggests that beginning the morning with a three-page burst of writing will do wonders for opening the mind, body and spirit for artistic work. Committing to this stream-of-consciousness reflection first thing in the morning might require a sense of duty at first, but it quickly becomes joyful and medicinal.
4. Topless
A benefit of isolation is nudity! On an uninhabited island in the middle of the ocean, the choice to leave clothes behind is more about freedom (and tanlines) than it is about exhibitionism. Turbaned in the shade, the words can soak in more easily. And the ocean is just right there, for another dip when our minds tire. Splendid isolation.
5. Topless II
The mystery of what stays hidden is much more sensual than full exposure. And a whole bunch of playfulness is worth more than either of those. Only fools think beachfront voyeurism and philosophy can’t or shouldn’t go hand in hand.
6. Surrender
Did you think I wouldn’t make it here? That I’d be too weak, or too proud to suck the marrow out, if I even made it? You think strength is only for the strong, but what you call weakness is simply a path back toward myself. Prostrate is the pose of those with nothing to lose, but also of those with nothing to fear. I am here with tangled hair, inked skin, pain and doubt, eternal courage. I am here.
7. Focused Attention
The currency of love is focused attention. When we feel emotionally bankrupt, it’s time to invest back in ourselves. The message that putting your thoughts, feelings, and needs first is selfish or inconsiderate is entirely wrong. Journaling and other inward-focused practices teach us how to become better lovers, better friends, and better people.
8. Burst Of Inspiration
Sometimes, I get a thought and know it’s going to leave if I don’t write it down that very instant! There is something sparkly and manic about these runaway thoughts, half the time they’re nonsense, the other half, they’re brilliant. But getting caught in the heat of an insistent phrase is as romantic and inconvenient as a thunderstorm.
9. Coffee
You can see me, but that doesn’t mean you know me. Wait until you read what my mind was up to while you were stuck staring at my face.
10. I Said Yes
Everything I want, I say no to. I say no to jumping or taking off my clothes, I say no to anyone else seeing my body. I say no to sharing a thought in front of everyone. I say no to walking down the long trail back to the dock. I say no to having my picture taken. Then, in one glorious lapse of judgement, I said yes.
11. The Eye Of The Beholder
Whatever you’re looking for, out across the edge of the horizon, I hope you see that it’s always been inside of you. No matter what she did.
12. Sweet Creature
Staying in the boat simply isn’t an option. You came all the way here, and you know how to swim. Jump off the edge and into the water. See what the salt brings up when it hits your skin. See what else hits your skin. And what else. And what else. Until you shed it, and discover what else is underneath.
image by Jo Savage
